This post is the third in a series of Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness. While I recognize that October (the official month of 'awareness') is long over... I was overwhelmed by the amazing responses that I received from other mothers who have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth, and was humbled that they suddenly trusted me with their stories, just because I opened up about my own struggles. Seems like there is a lesson to be learned there… something along the lines of:  Maybe if we were all a little more honest and open with each other about our imperfections, failures, fears, and struggles, there would be more room and opportunity for encouragement, for support, and for healing.  Just a thought…

All of this brings me to the point of this post. You may be sitting here as a friend, family member, or acquaintance of someone who is going through pregnancy or infant loss. It can be a very difficult position to be in.  It is my hope that you will find in this post the tools that you need to be able to talk to and support a friend that is going through this in a way that will bring healing, and not more hurt.

If miscarriage has taught me anything, it’s that you can never, never, truly understand what someone is going through, unless you've walked in their shoes. By that, I do not mean, you both wear the same style of sneakers in your own sizes...but you have worn the exact pair they have on their feet, with the same worn laces, the same balding tread, and the same pebble stuck in the insole.  It is one thing to be sympathetic, and it is a completely different thing to have the true understanding of the depths of pain someone is going through, because you yourself have walked the same rocky road, in the same worn shoes.

That must first be understood before you should ever try to offer advice or opinions to someone who is hurting.

I asked some of the women I know who have been through miscarriage or infant loss to share the things that they remember as the most helpful and comforting gestures when they were struggling the most, as well as the most stunning and hurtful things that were offered. The stories they gave me had many similarities…

Human nature is an unfortunately predictable thing. When we are confronted with an awkward situation, we have one of a small pool of responses that we tend to default to.  I have summarized those below.  Can you find yourself in the list?

1. The Freezer. Say nothing, do nothing. Maybe it will go away. Probably avoid all contact with the sufferer to avoid awkwardness.

2. The Over Sympathizer: This person is SO emotional that the person who is truly suffering often has to take the role of comforting the "comforter".

3. The Belittler: It didn’t affect you, so it couldn’t really have been that bad, right?  Move on already.

4. The Blurter: This person just spits out whatever pops into their head.  Usually consists of absurdly ignorant, accidentally hurtful, and/or painfully insensitive words of "encouragement".

5. The Fixer: This person tries to help solve the mystery of what went wrong, usually by asking hurtful questions like “Is there something you could have done differently?”

Here are some of the collected quotes of real things that were said to me or other grieving moms in the guise of someone being ‘helpful’. 

THE MEDICAL RESPONSES:

• It was just a clump of cells anyway.
• There must have been something wrong with it.
• Maybe it had Downs Syndrome. (or ‘fill in the blank’ disability)
• God must have known you couldn't handle whatever was wrong with it.
• Better that you lose it now...before you got attached to it.

THE 'I KNOW THE FUTURE' RESPONSES:

• You must have better children waiting for you.
• God has a plan that didn't involve that child.
• You're young. You have plenty of time to have children.
• Don't worry. You'll get pregnant again.

THE COLD RESPONSES:

• Maybe you just weren't ready.
• Your life will be easier without a baby anyway.
• You should just be happy you already have other children.
• At least you don't have to deal with stretch marks.
• When are you going to stop being sad about it - isn't it time to move on?
• You're lucky. You won't miss out on all the sleep from having a newborn.
• Maybe you're being punished for some sin you committed.

THE HAUNTING QUESTIONS (as if we weren't already beating ourselves to death with these):

• Was it something you did?
• Was it something you ate?
• Was there something you could have done differently?
• How do you prevent it from happening...again?

Now, I know that most people were well intentioned, and trying to help. I know that for most of them, their heart is to see you 'not be sad' anymore.  But the reality is, as with any death, there is – there has to be – a time for grieving. You have to allow a person to deal with the loss without trying to fix it, without trying to make it better, or make it go away.

So what can you do?

• Be available, and make sure she knows she can call on you.
• Take her meals – not having to think about making food in the middle of grieving the death of a child would be a welcome relief.
• Let her hurt. Let her be messy. Let her cry.
• Send notes that say: “I love you.” “I’m so sorry.”  “You’re in our thoughts and prayers.”
• Give her a hug when you see her. Don’t say anything. Just hug.
• Let her come to you, and be ready to LISTEN.
• Don’t expect or pressure her to ‘get over it’.
• Remember her on Mother’s day.
• Be sensitive when you or someone else announces their pregnancy.
• Be understanding if she chooses to send a card rather than attend a baby shower.
• Don’t complain about your own pregnancy aches and pains to her… she would give anything to feel every ache and pain just to have her baby in her arms.

The reality is, there is no perfect response that will make everything okay again. And that's okay. Terrible things happen, and life goes on. What you say in the moment, you will most likely forget by the next day... just try to make sure that you haven't said something that will stick with someone for the rest of their life.

A wise man said:  "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." (Luke 6:31)

Be patient. Listen. Show grace and love. That's all that anyone could hope for in a friend.