I am two years beyond having written my last blog post about miscarriage and infant/pregnancy loss. In two years, I have seen friends and family members celebrate the discovery of pregnancy, suffer crushing loss through miscarriage, be excited and terrified for following pregnancies, welcome baby boys and baby girls to their families, watched their children grow on Facebook, been invited to baby shower after shower, and so it goes.

This is the reality of living with infertility: Life goes on. Whether you want it to or not -- whether you get left behind or not -- whether you're okay with it or not -- life just keeps marching on. And it's good. And hard. And unfair. And right.

Miscarriage has made me a different person than I was before. Obviously. Death and tragedy have a way of changing the way we approach living. If we don't change, if we don't grow, then trials carry no purpose, no hope, and can destroy us from within.

If you're new to my blog, then I suppose you would need to know that my husband and I have three children that we have lost to miscarriage. I don't get to love them here on earth, but I am no less a mother because of that small detail, and therefore, I must strive to be the best mother I can possibly be.

I get that that may sound ridiculous from the outside looking in -- How can one be a mother when they have no children to mother?  THAT is the million dollar question I've been asking myself since our last miscarriage three years ago. 

It occurred to me that I have a great many children in my life - nephews and nieces, neighbor's children, horseback riding students, Sunday School students, troubled teens and more. THEY are the answer to that question. THEY are gifts that I don't deserve.  THEY enable me to impact the world, though I could not impact my own children in this life. It is for THEM that I want to be the best reflection of God's love that any mother can be.  

I have found joy and hope in infertility, because, though it is painful and hard -- I admit that if my own children were here now, I might not be as willing or able to invest in all these other children's lives.  

If that for now is my purpose, then for all the children I am allowed to love, I want to be a mom that:

...listens.

...is available.

...they can rely on.

...has wisdom to share.

...allows them to be kids.

...prays with and for them.

...is a source of encouragement.

...they can have fun and be silly with.

...they know will always tell them the truth.

...can challenge their thinking and help them grow.

...showers them with love, grace, patience, and strength.

...infects them with a passion for the outdoors and Animals.

....encourages their hopes and dreams and believes they can reach them.

It's what mom's do.

If you, my friend are struggling with purpose through infertility or infant loss -- here it is: Keep going. Keep loving. Keep changing lives. It just might change the world.